Have I failed my son?

I have debated about this post for weeks now; hence the silence that has been my blog. I have tried to to start other posts, and yet I could only think about this.  I still don't know how to write it.  I guess I'll just go for it.  I don't know if I'm just trying to vent or look for advice... or just hear that I'm not alone.


I feel as though I have failed my son.

I have a laundry list of "things" that make me a wonderful mother; I know this.  This is not a confidence problem or a horrible mother complex.  I truly believe that I have failed my son in one specific aspect.

I cannot put E to sleep. He is now 14 months old, and I do not "know" him well enough to put him to sleep. Not a nap. Not bedtime. He has never been a sleeper.  Don't get me wrong, he is the world's happiest baby, and the pediatrician has told me several times now that some kids just don't need as much sleep as others.  Well, E gets less sleep in a 24 hour period than my 3 year old.  And I feel as though it is my fault.

S was an easy napper.  She nursed to sleep, would snuggle with me, and as long as I was near, she slept. Then came E two years later.  I was teaching bootcamp classes, and following Scarlett around, so E's sleep patterns became: car, stroller, ergo.  Bedtime would be nursing while rocking and reading to Scarlett.  But then he started moving.  He hated pajamas. He would not let a blanket touch him. He didn't want to be rocked by me.  He saw me as his milk machine.  I went with it, thinking that it was just a hard sleep phase.  This wouldn't be worth complaining about if he fell asleep while nursing.  He doesn't.  He refuses any type of lovey - and using me to comfort nurse for extended periods of time. Again, if he fell asleep doing this I might not be here... almost in tears because I cannot seem to get him to sleep. He nurses. nurses longer. comfort nurses. nurses some more. I break the latch because, at times, this has worked and he has rolled over and fallen asleep (RARELY).  However, the norm is then WWIII.  Kicking, screaming, couching to gagging, pinching, head butting, grabbing at my breasts. I try to hold him, it makes it worse. I give him space on the bed and just cover my face from being head butted r my chest from being pinched, pulled, etc.  I lay there and almost cry as the clock ticks next to me.  It gets to a point where I give up and call John in (an hour or more later) or I give in and let him nurse again.  The cycle then repeats again. Not as long the second time because he is so exhausted from the fight that sometimes he gives in and settles down.

You may say, why don't I just let him nurse for the 1.5 hours at the start of bedtime until he is asleep?  I have tried this too.  This is what happens on nights John works late.  I have both kids in the bed and have no other option.  Here in lies the problem:  E gets a second wind.  There is a point during this long nursing session and comfort sucking to which he goes from almost passed out to wide awake again.  This cannot be normal.

Here's the kicker:  John walks in and within 20 minutes (normally less) E is asleep.  It doesn't matter at what point John comes in.  E just knows that there is no milk option I guess and only gives a half-hearted attempt.

Bedtime is bad, but then there is naptime.  I can get E to sleep by wearing him in the ergo, running with the stroller, or in the car... IF he is tired.  That's it.  He does not transfer from any of the devices. He rarely sleeps longer than 30 minutes, unless we are outside while he is sleeping.  I try to get him to nap at home, but I cannot devote 1-2 hours to putting him down for a nap that will only last 30 minutes or so. (It's the same issues as the bedtime routine)  I have a 3 year old loose in the house!  But here comes a weekend.  John is home. He lays with E for 10-20 minutes and BAM - a nap occurs.

I feel like I do not know my child well enough to get him to sleep.  I feel like I have failed him.

Has anyone else been in this position? Please please tell me I am not alone.