Your phone.
Your kindle.
Your iPad.
Your relationships.
All need a little plug-in time to synch every so often.
My last post was about being the world's worst mom when it came to E and sleep. Here's what I have learned: I had not re-synched myself with him in quite awhile. I was taking for granted just what a wonderfully easy babe he is. I am constantly synching myself with S just to keep up. She's three years old now and a sponge that is learning at a mile a minute. She is the most loving, caring, emotional little girl; and I personally think she's the coolest girl alive. But here in lies the problem. I have forgotten that each child needs this attention. I was just bringing E along for the ride, and because he is the happiest kid ever, I didn't think twice about any of it.
Over the past week, I have slowed down and truly watched the amazing 14 month old toddler that he has become. Time has flown. He has grown. He has a happy dance he does when S wakes up in the morning and he runs to hug her. He now pushes monster cars around the house and crashes block towers down. He climbs coffee tables and attempts to free fall from them. Yes, I have seen these things from him before, but this time I just watched. I observed my son and listened to him. I listened to my 14 month old. He has so much to "say" that it took my breath away.
He can tell me when he has pee'd by pulling at the diaper or bringing me a new one; so we have started sitting on the potty throughout the day.
He wants to carry a doll like his sister; so we let him push a stroller around all day.
He is capable of eating more food (and not nursing every hour on the hour), as long as his sister is eating too... and he has a utensil, is not in a high chair, and is not made to eat it.
HE CAN SLEEP. He gets tired throughout the day. He wants to sleep. He sleeps better if he gets more sleep. (I knew all of these things existed, but I just didn't think E was capable of them.) Now don't get me wrong, E is not a sleeping angel by any means; however, by watching and listening to him, and giving him the same consideration I have always given S, I have learned when he might be tired enough to sleep. I leave S to play while E and I lay in the sleep room together, nurse and listen to the sound machine. 7 out of 10 times, he has slept. The other 3, well, I can't win em all! He may sleep for 30 minutes or an hour, even an hour and a half once! but all that matters is that he is sleeping. I have also started a better night routine for both kids. I have been able to put them down 4 times on my own in the last week! I swear, the high is like finishing a race I have been training months for. Now I can't stop our lives and keep the kids at home all day; I teach bootcamp three days a week, S has ballet and soccer, we visit the library and museum once a week, etc. So we have adapted. If E falls asleep in the car, I walk S into ballet and wait in the car (with kindle in hand) while E sleeps. Or, S and I play outside while E sleeps in the car (with windows down and breeze blowing). If he falls asleep in the stroller on a run, S and I share popsicles outside while he naps. I no longer attempt to transfer him.
I cannot express the pride I have in myself at this moment of motherhood. As much as I wanted more children, I now feel as though I will be able to handle another child (or two if I have my way!). I am learning each day how to balance between the kids. I just have to remember that everything needs "re-synched" every so often to keep it updated.
On that note, I may need to "re-synch" with myself here soon. While, I am at a wonderful place emotionally, physically, and spiritually as a wife and mother, I need to reevaluate where I am at as an individual so that I never lose who I am. I have a bunco night coming up, a ballet class next week, and my weekly runs have gone from 3-4 days a week to 6 days. :) I'm on the right track, but it never hurts to hit the "synch" button again.
Is it time for you to re-synch a relationship?
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Have I failed my son?
I have debated about this post for weeks now; hence the silence that has been my blog. I have tried to to start other posts, and yet I could only think about this. I still don't know how to write it. I guess I'll just go for it. I don't know if I'm just trying to vent or look for advice... or just hear that I'm not alone.
I feel as though I have failed my son.
I have a laundry list of "things" that make me a wonderful mother; I know this. This is not a confidence problem or a horrible mother complex. I truly believe that I have failed my son in one specific aspect.
I cannot put E to sleep. He is now 14 months old, and I do not "know" him well enough to put him to sleep. Not a nap. Not bedtime. He has never been a sleeper. Don't get me wrong, he is the world's happiest baby, and the pediatrician has told me several times now that some kids just don't need as much sleep as others. Well, E gets less sleep in a 24 hour period than my 3 year old. And I feel as though it is my fault.
S was an easy napper. She nursed to sleep, would snuggle with me, and as long as I was near, she slept. Then came E two years later. I was teaching bootcamp classes, and following Scarlett around, so E's sleep patterns became: car, stroller, ergo. Bedtime would be nursing while rocking and reading to Scarlett. But then he started moving. He hated pajamas. He would not let a blanket touch him. He didn't want to be rocked by me. He saw me as his milk machine. I went with it, thinking that it was just a hard sleep phase. This wouldn't be worth complaining about if he fell asleep while nursing. He doesn't. He refuses any type of lovey - and using me to comfort nurse for extended periods of time. Again, if he fell asleep doing this I might not be here... almost in tears because I cannot seem to get him to sleep. He nurses. nurses longer. comfort nurses. nurses some more. I break the latch because, at times, this has worked and he has rolled over and fallen asleep (RARELY). However, the norm is then WWIII. Kicking, screaming, couching to gagging, pinching, head butting, grabbing at my breasts. I try to hold him, it makes it worse. I give him space on the bed and just cover my face from being head butted r my chest from being pinched, pulled, etc. I lay there and almost cry as the clock ticks next to me. It gets to a point where I give up and call John in (an hour or more later) or I give in and let him nurse again. The cycle then repeats again. Not as long the second time because he is so exhausted from the fight that sometimes he gives in and settles down.
You may say, why don't I just let him nurse for the 1.5 hours at the start of bedtime until he is asleep? I have tried this too. This is what happens on nights John works late. I have both kids in the bed and have no other option. Here in lies the problem: E gets a second wind. There is a point during this long nursing session and comfort sucking to which he goes from almost passed out to wide awake again. This cannot be normal.
Here's the kicker: John walks in and within 20 minutes (normally less) E is asleep. It doesn't matter at what point John comes in. E just knows that there is no milk option I guess and only gives a half-hearted attempt.
Bedtime is bad, but then there is naptime. I can get E to sleep by wearing him in the ergo, running with the stroller, or in the car... IF he is tired. That's it. He does not transfer from any of the devices. He rarely sleeps longer than 30 minutes, unless we are outside while he is sleeping. I try to get him to nap at home, but I cannot devote 1-2 hours to putting him down for a nap that will only last 30 minutes or so. (It's the same issues as the bedtime routine) I have a 3 year old loose in the house! But here comes a weekend. John is home. He lays with E for 10-20 minutes and BAM - a nap occurs.
I feel like I do not know my child well enough to get him to sleep. I feel like I have failed him.
Has anyone else been in this position? Please please tell me I am not alone.
I feel as though I have failed my son.
I have a laundry list of "things" that make me a wonderful mother; I know this. This is not a confidence problem or a horrible mother complex. I truly believe that I have failed my son in one specific aspect.
I cannot put E to sleep. He is now 14 months old, and I do not "know" him well enough to put him to sleep. Not a nap. Not bedtime. He has never been a sleeper. Don't get me wrong, he is the world's happiest baby, and the pediatrician has told me several times now that some kids just don't need as much sleep as others. Well, E gets less sleep in a 24 hour period than my 3 year old. And I feel as though it is my fault.
S was an easy napper. She nursed to sleep, would snuggle with me, and as long as I was near, she slept. Then came E two years later. I was teaching bootcamp classes, and following Scarlett around, so E's sleep patterns became: car, stroller, ergo. Bedtime would be nursing while rocking and reading to Scarlett. But then he started moving. He hated pajamas. He would not let a blanket touch him. He didn't want to be rocked by me. He saw me as his milk machine. I went with it, thinking that it was just a hard sleep phase. This wouldn't be worth complaining about if he fell asleep while nursing. He doesn't. He refuses any type of lovey - and using me to comfort nurse for extended periods of time. Again, if he fell asleep doing this I might not be here... almost in tears because I cannot seem to get him to sleep. He nurses. nurses longer. comfort nurses. nurses some more. I break the latch because, at times, this has worked and he has rolled over and fallen asleep (RARELY). However, the norm is then WWIII. Kicking, screaming, couching to gagging, pinching, head butting, grabbing at my breasts. I try to hold him, it makes it worse. I give him space on the bed and just cover my face from being head butted r my chest from being pinched, pulled, etc. I lay there and almost cry as the clock ticks next to me. It gets to a point where I give up and call John in (an hour or more later) or I give in and let him nurse again. The cycle then repeats again. Not as long the second time because he is so exhausted from the fight that sometimes he gives in and settles down.
You may say, why don't I just let him nurse for the 1.5 hours at the start of bedtime until he is asleep? I have tried this too. This is what happens on nights John works late. I have both kids in the bed and have no other option. Here in lies the problem: E gets a second wind. There is a point during this long nursing session and comfort sucking to which he goes from almost passed out to wide awake again. This cannot be normal.
Here's the kicker: John walks in and within 20 minutes (normally less) E is asleep. It doesn't matter at what point John comes in. E just knows that there is no milk option I guess and only gives a half-hearted attempt.
Bedtime is bad, but then there is naptime. I can get E to sleep by wearing him in the ergo, running with the stroller, or in the car... IF he is tired. That's it. He does not transfer from any of the devices. He rarely sleeps longer than 30 minutes, unless we are outside while he is sleeping. I try to get him to nap at home, but I cannot devote 1-2 hours to putting him down for a nap that will only last 30 minutes or so. (It's the same issues as the bedtime routine) I have a 3 year old loose in the house! But here comes a weekend. John is home. He lays with E for 10-20 minutes and BAM - a nap occurs.
I feel like I do not know my child well enough to get him to sleep. I feel like I have failed him.
Has anyone else been in this position? Please please tell me I am not alone.
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