I feel as though, somewhere along the line, I signed up for a "SuperMom Certification Test." I don't know when or where the sign-up occurred, but I must have done it on one of my I-can-do-this-mom-thing-with-one-baby-nursing-the-other-finger-painting-and-have-the-entire-house-perfect-all-the-time days. I will admit that I did have those days quite often when I was only one child in - and even so with Emmett when he was still in that "Sleep all day" stage. Then I started teaching my bootcamps 3 days a week, Emmett became mobile, Scarlett dipped out on naps, deep-cleaning became a joke, and (for selfish reasons) the pool calls to us daily.
So of course, it would be a day like today when I am thrown a practice test for the "SuperMom Certification" - at least I hope damn well that it was just practice, because if that was the real deal, then I failed miserably.
After a night of no sleep due to Scarlett hacking up a wet lung, I was well prepared for the day. It was a jam packed morning that needed to go off without a hitch (problem #1 in hindsight) so that we could get everywhere on time (problem #2 -- what the H@#% was wrong with me trying to schedule things at certain TIMES). We were up by 7:45ish and both babes pee'd on the potty (Emmett loves this so much that he pees once, plays with himself and then has to pee again - then just laughs..... oh to be 8 months old). Here's the first true downfall (with exception to the no sleep): I didn't put a diaper on Emmett. He had JUST pee'd and the clean diapers were in his room. I made the bed and threw on my workout clothes. During this time frame, Emmett sprays down my floor mirror with a good little shower. I laugh at this minor test - and clean it up with a smile saying, "Silly Mommy, when will I learn that boys like to pee all the time?"
Ready for this?? I STILL didn't put a diaper on him. We headed to the living room and set the kids down to play while I picked up the towel I cleaned pee up with. I made Scarlett some oatmeal and was on my way to grab a new diaper, when Scarlett laughs and says, "MOMMY! Emmett spraying da window!" Lord help me.... I still don't lose my cool though. Scarlett laughs, Emmett giggles, and I am down to a slight chuckle.
You would think a diaper would magically appear and be placed on Emmett's butt. NOPE. I told you, this was some sort of practice test today.... I head to the laundry room to throw pee towels in the wash. I stir oatmeal and add almond milk; I start the walk to Emmett's room for a new diaper. As I am walking I catch something from the corner of my eye. Emmett is playing with a toy, but something is off. My stomach is approaching my throat as I get closer. I almost lose my breakfast. There is poop EVERYWHERE. I mean: back, front, arms, legs, hair, face, toys, CARPET... Breastmilk poop... EVERYWHERE. At this point, we need to leave in 15 minutes. Scarlett is still in PJ's with snot running down her face. She does have on a winter hat and gloves though. I think for a brief moment - eh she can wear it. Then I snap back to reality. Curse words are flying. I don't know what to do ... Matilda starts EATING the poop. I almost hurl again. I throw the dog outside, grab naked Emmett and head to the kitchen sink. I start spraying him down and send Scarlett for a towel... because a 2.5 year old will be so helpful in this situation. In the process of spraying Emmett down, I knock a stemless (nice) wine glass to the floor, shattering it. Lovely. No worries, here comes Scarlett with her play broom to "help." ***I'm freaking scoring points all over this exam aren't I?*** I have a wet poopy baby in my hands, no shoes on, no towel, and a toddler with a broom near glass. Hmmmmm.... I scream for Scarlett to freeze, jump over the glass, drop naked baby on carpet, because come on he can't pee or poop again, grab Scarlett from danger, and then re-evaluate. Holy Sh*t, what just happened. The clock is ticking, snot is flying, and I smell like poop.
I clean the glass, diaper the baby, throw on what it is that Scarlett was begging to wear (Yes the scarf, gloves and hat accessorized the cherry sundress), pack a lunch (you can imagine what made it in that lunchbox), wipe down my hands and legs of poop, clean the sink, scrub the toys, scrub the carpet (Well - still trying to work on that one), grab the diaper bag and head out the door.
It's 9:15. I breathe. I call a girlfriend to vent. I smell poop. Oh awesome... my left leg is stained breastmilk poop-color. I'm trying to drop off a package of goodies for The Great Cloth Diaper Change that should have been dealt with weeks ago, but it's managed to take home in my trunk. I hit the address into the GPS - oh wait - no I don't because the damn thing isn't working! It died, broke, has no life left. Worked just fine last week! arrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh..... I do love the iphone though. I typed in the address and we were off. I was heading to what I thought was a house to drop this package off... NOPE. the address was to a freaking Starbucks. So now I'm not able to drop this off. A few choice words are said in reference to some unnamed folks who are horrible at communication and leadership.
It's 9:40am.
I failed. I failed horribly.
After bootcamp, I had to take the car in to the dealer to order a new little part for the bug screen on the sunroof. I find out the sunroof is not original to the "new-to-us" car. Therefore the piece can't be replaced. No biggie, the sunroof has a built in bug screen that I didn't know about, and I like the car better without the plastic bug thing. (And I didn't have to drop any money there) However, my car key beeper thingy died recently and I wanted a new battery. Well that will be $50 and an appointment with the service people because the key would need to be reprogrammed afterward.
I walked out. Eh - another day. I can't handle any more today.
Scarlett was asleep in the car by 1:00. --- maybe that's a positive in my corner? Car naps are still naps. Diapers are in the wash (yes Emmett has one on right now). We have enough baked ziti from last night for leftovers. We also have a bottle of wine calling my name. I'm about to clock out for the day .... but it's only 2:00pm. So I will power through. It has been the epitome of a hump day.
I'm hoping that the Certification SumperMom's have done one of two things:
1. Realized I have a lot of work ahead of me and am no where near ready to be tested yet.
or
2. Removed my name from the class.
I'm fine either way.
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